If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
