i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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