Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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