i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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