final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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