Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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