The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
