Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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