If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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