You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Help. Why am I so naked?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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