I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
