I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
