just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Boobs speak an international language.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize