I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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