There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
