I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
