i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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