I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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