if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The adults are the big ones right?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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