Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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