even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
