If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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