One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
