She's JV to your varsity
you traded sex for a burrito?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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