I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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