if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
