I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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