im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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