i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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