The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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