mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
