Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
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Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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