I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can I color on your dick again?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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