I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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