Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
