You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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