i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
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i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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