I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
