Just cropdusted the office
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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