Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
