There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
