i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
