I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
