I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
