Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
