Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
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i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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