It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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