there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
