I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
