You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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