I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
