Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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