she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
