i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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