yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
