when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
