I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
